The 6 Indicators Your Attachment Style is Affecting You

From time to time, you might find achieving equilibrium and tranquillity in your daily life a bit more challenging than usual. Perhaps your partner's away for a few days and you're feeling on edge in their absence. Or maybe you've just decided to cohabit, and you're finding the prospect of sharing your personal space and time rather daunting.

Often, these emotional disruptions are due to our attachment tendencies getting tripped up, which can lead to fear, worry, and tension in our relationships. If you're not familiar with attachment theory (and the associated styles), you might not realise when these attachment insecurities are meddling with your mental health and consequently, your romantic and social interactions. Let’s examine the 6 signs that your attachment style might be unsettling your inner peace:

#1: You display a negative attitude towards others

Often, when something's troubling us, it can seem like we're viewing the world through a negative lens. This perspective is especially true for those with insecure attachment styles, who, as research indicates, are more likely to perceive unfamiliar faces as hostile or untrustworthy due to their early experiences.

Avoidant attachers often have a more cynical outlook on others than they do of themselves. This mindset, when applied to their relationships, can result in them blaming their partners entirely, without acknowledging their own part in the dynamic. Moreover, those with the avoidant attachment style might exhibit narcissistic traits such as a heightened sense of self-importance or a noticeable lack of empathy towards others. As you can imagine, such attitudes can exacerbate existing issues within a relationship.

Moreover, attachment research shows that mothers who have experienced trauma are more likely to engage with their children in a more irritable, critical, and generally less patient manner. These behaviours can create a vicious cycle, as we often bring our past experiences with us and project our traumas and attitudes onto those we care about the most. This cycle somewhat elucidates why we might act negatively towards our loved ones when in reality, we don't bear any ill will towards them – our actions stem from a disturbed peace of mind due to unresolved past issues. If you're interested in learning more about the transgenerational cycle of attachment, have a look at our article.

#2: You question your worth

Those of us with insecure attachment styles don't just view others negatively – we often apply the same perspective to ourselves. This negative self-perception is especially prevalent among those with an anxious attachment style, as they tend to see themselves in a harsher light compared to their view of others.

Anxious attachments generally crave external validation, and they often feel undervalued by others. This belief can be hard to manage, as they might think that they're not "good enough" for a relationship, or that their partners could never love them for who they truly are. Such attitudes can also be challenging for the partners of anxious attachers, as they might feel like they're falling short in making their anxious partners feel secure and valued.

Likewise, anxious attachments may excessively worry about whether their partner will support them in times of need. This level of worry can become overwhelming, as no matter how supportive and available the partner of an anxious attachment behaves, they might still struggle to alleviate insecurities that stem from an attachment style.

Even though avoidant attachments have a more positive self-view than their view of others, they are still more likely to view themselves negatively during instances of internal conflict. Hence, when an avoidant attacher's inner peace is disturbed, they often paradoxically display some narcissistic traits but still feel less worthy than others.

In contrast, people with secure attachment styles tend to have self-compassion, a sense of belonging, and an understanding of their significance in others' lives. Therefore, during relationship conflicts and concurrent disturbances to their sense of well-being, secure attachers tend to handle the situation in healthier, more adaptive ways, effectively restoring their inner peace.

#3: You frequently experience pessimism, sadness, or anxiety

During periods of insecurity or distress, it's common to exhibit patterns of pessimism, sadness, and anxiety, which further unsettle our state of mind. However, individuals with an insecure attachment style are especially susceptible to these emotions as they're more prone to attachment-related distress, such as a heightened fear of loss, separation anxiety, excessive care-seeking, and withdrawal.

Anxious attachers are particularly prone to pessimistic outlooks, as they tend to focus on the "worst-case" scenarios – which could intensify feelings of anxiety and depression.

People with the anxious and disorganised attachment styles are more likely to experience their emotions with greater intensity than those with a secure attachment style. However, while anxious attachers generally express their feelings – sometimes excessively – disorganised attachers don't do so to the same extent.

Therefore, if an anxious attacher's attachment insecurities are triggered, they tend to act on their emotions. Yet, depending on where a disorganised attacher falls on the spectrum of avoidant or anxious attachment, they may suppress their feelings despite experiencing them intensely.

Secure attachers express their emotions with relative ease, meaning that they are adept at resolving issues with their partners because they communicate their feelings openly. In contrast, individuals with insecure attachment styles are more susceptible to feelings of depression during times of conflict or distress in their relationships. Intriguingly, avoidant attachers are particularly at risk of these feelings becoming severe.

This effect might be due to how avoidant attachers process their emotions. When anxious and disorganised attachers' attachment insecurities are triggered, they tend to experience their emotions intensely, and thus, may better understand how to express how they feel. Comparatively, avoidant attachers may experience a sense of "numbness" concerning their emotions and their expression – but this doesn't mean that these emotions are non-existent.

#4: You frequently feel isolated

Relational distress can lead to feelings of loneliness – either from actual social isolation or a perceived lack of support and belonging. Unfortunately, feelings of loneliness often exacerbate symptoms of depression, so it's crucial to acknowledge these emotions and their causes.

Avoidant attachers may be particularly susceptible to experiences of actual social isolation, as they typically feel uneasy with intimacy, suppress their emotions, and compulsively withdraw from others. Behaviours like these inevitably lead to feeling unsupported during times of need and a sense of alienation within social groups.

Anxious attachers are also prone to feelings of loneliness, but not from actual social isolation. Instead, when an anxious attacher's insecurities are triggered, they perceive that others aren't there for them during times of need. Anxious attachers also fear abandonment excessively and may voice these fears within their support networks – sometimes to excess, which may inadvertently push people away.

Disorganised attachers are also likely to experience loneliness. The triggers for this attachment style stem from deep-seated fears of abandonment and intimacy. So, when their attachment traits are activated, disorganised attachers often withdraw from their loved ones and resist attempts at support. Yet, they might also have a strong fear that their loved ones will abandon them, so they feel every bit of isolation, even though they may have initiated it.

#5: You find it challenging to look after yourself

One of the clear signs of a disturbed inner peace is when we stop taking care of ourselves. Consider the secure attachment style for a moment: because people with this style were shown that they were valued as children, they grew up with healthy levels of self-esteem and self-worth. Consequently, during times of stress or inner conflict, secure attachers maintain certain standards of self-care.

For instance, a secure attacher typically employs healthy coping strategies such as exercise, turning to trusted individuals for support, and maintaining healthy eating patterns. In contrast, people with insecure attachment styles may struggle to cope with their feelings of inner turmoil and engage in less adaptive strategies for managing their emotions. These strategies might include substance misuse, suppressing emotions, isolation, outbursts, and neglecting their diet and exercise regimes.

#6: You may resort to harmful substances

This sign has clear connections to the previous one about struggling to look after ourselves. This is because, when we're feeling low, we're more likely to engage in unhealthy patterns of behaviour such as using substances – especially if we have an insecure attachment style. In essence, the more socially connected we feel, the less likely we are to use substances – especially during times of conflict.

For example, insecure attachers are more likely to resort to substances such as nicotine and alcohol to alleviate distress and anxiety than secure attachers – likely due in part to the accessibility of such substances. However, this finding is particularly true for adolescents with an insecure attachment style and may diminish with age.

Moreover, avoidant attachers are particularly prone to resorting to substance use during times of loneliness. Perhaps the substance serves as a substitute for social support, as avoidant attachers tend to withdraw from others during times of emotional turmoil.

Interestingly, although insecure attachers are more likely to use substances to cope with distress, secure attachers may turn to alcohol more frequently than people with any other attachment style. However, this finding was reported in a young sample of students who may have been using alcohol as a form of socialising in a group setting. Nevertheless, it demonstrates that even secure attachers may turn to substances to cope with moments of insecurity.

Final Thoughts

Trying to restore a sense of inner balance and peace when it can be easily disrupted by subconscious childhood insecurities can feel overwhelming. Although this article outlines the warning signs of when attachment styles might be impacting our inner peace, heightened awareness is only the start of the journey. Research suggests that understanding why we think and act the way we do and how we look after ourselves is essential to restoring peace of mind. Therefore, to better understand ourselves, we must invest in personal development work and be open to exploring our inner world. Developing an awareness of our inner selves, including our attachment styles, can be a powerful tool for self-development as it can help us understand how to target the roots of our issues. But remember to be gentle with yourself during this process, as developing self-awareness is often the toughest part of self-development.

And – above all – always remember that a mental health professional is often the best investment that you can make for yourself and your inner peace. Please note that the content in this article is generic, and may not reflect individual differences.