Boundaries and Attachment Styles - Setting Limits.
It can be a bit tricky sometimes, saying "no" to someone that you are close to. The folks who are nearest and dearest to us, they're often the ones we struggle the most with when it comes to laying down the law. The struggle to say "no" often comes back to how we set the rules in our relationships. We've all got our own quirks and limits – and the way we comprehend and communicate these is greatly influenced by our attachment styles. To help you understand how your own rules are shaped by your attachment style, we're going to have a bit of a yarn about:
• What rules are
• Crossing the line and what that looks like
• How crossing the line messes with attachment styles
• Four important steps to handling rules
What are Rules? Personal rules are pretty much the unseen guidelines we set up around ourselves, defining what sort of behaviour we're alright with from other people. There are two kinds of rules in relationships: physical and emotional. Physical rules have to do with the barriers we can see – our bodies and the space around us. Crossing these lines includes getting too close or touching without permission. But there's also the matter of privacy. So if someone's having a squiz at your text messages or emails, they're breaking this physical rule. On the other hand, emotional rules involve our feelings and thoughts – like not wanting someone to intrude on our emotions, or feeling like we have to look after someone else's feelings. These can be a bit trickier to set because they're not as visible. Although it might be easy enough to keep your distance from a stranger, it can be a bit harder to do the same with someone you care about. Because you can't see emotional rules, we usually have to put them in place by speaking up (or sometimes through body language). But this can sometimes mean we have to get a bit confrontational, and that's not always easy. Still, setting up rules is crucial for balanced and healthy relationships. For instance, while some people might be happy texting their partner non-stop, others might find it a bit much – a rule clash that could cause a bit of strife in a relationship. Everyone has different limits – so ours aren't always going to be clear to the people we hang out with. But, if we're clear and express our rules in a healthy way, we can build safe and secure relationships where we feel our needs and wants aren't being sidelined.
What Does Crossing the Line Look Like?
Let's be honest, we've all come across someone who doesn't seem to understand or care about other people's feelings. You know the type: they don't seem to notice when you're uncomfortable and they drain the energy out of you. They're like that nosy person who won't stop asking questions and gets angry if you don't answer. In the end, we often feel we have to respond, and as a result, we feel a bit invaded. As bad as these situations can be, it's the rules in our closest relationships that usually have the biggest effect on our wellbeing and our sense of self. There are two main ways people cross the line in relationships: being too distant and being too intrusive. This is because people usually need a good balance of both space and closeness in a relationship to feel connected and secure, but also independent.
Studies have shown that people who tend to avoid attachment will likely feel that their rules are being broken more easily than people with other attachment styles. On the flip side, those who have an anxious attachment style are more likely to be affected by distance and might be the ones getting too close and not giving others their space. Moreover, the digital world has made setting rules a bit more complex – both in relationships and in general. People with high attachment anxiety (that is, those with anxious or disorganized attachment styles) are more prone to "electronic intrusion," like going through a partner's phone without permission, keeping an eye on their social media activity, or checking their location via social media. Studies have also shown that people with anxious or disorganized attachment might use social media to keep tabs on partners even after they've split up. This indirect invasion of rules can be particularly troublesome because it doesn't allow for a clean break on either side.
How Does Crossing the Line Affect Different Attachment Styles?
Rules are mainly about distance and closeness. Similarly, attachment styles can be distinguished by either a fear of being abandoned or a fear of intimacy – and these fears influence how people react when their rules are broken.
Disorganised Attachment and Rules
Research has shown that people with a disorganized attachment style have the least tolerance for their personal space being invaded. Meaning, they have very little patience for physical closeness with others. This is also true for those with avoidant attachment styles, just not quite as extreme. This makes sense when you consider that both disorganized and avoidant attachment styles are characterised by a fear of intimacy and rejection. So, people with these styles would rather keep others at arm's length before they get too emotionally close.
Anxious Attachment and Rules
People with an anxious attachment style have quite different boundaries than those with avoidant and disorganized attachment styles. Those with avoidant attachment tend to cross others' physical and emotional boundaries and also have mixed feelings when their own boundaries are crossed. However, during arguments or conflict, if someone with an anxious attachment style (or a disorganised attachment style with high anxiety) feels that their boundaries have been crossed, they tend to have strong emotional reactions, like anger, hurt, and confusion. But because of their fear of being abandoned, they're likely to quickly forgive a partner for their intrusion.
Avoidant Attachment and Rules
Unlike people with a disorganized attachment style, who have a low tolerance for actual intrusion into their personal space, and those with an anxious attachment style, who are relatively indifferent to it, those with an avoidant attachment style are more likely to feel that their partner is being intrusive, even if they're not necessarily doing so. People with avoidant attachment are highly sensitive to invasions of their boundaries, so they tend to keep their distance both physically and emotionally from partners. Interestingly, they're less likely than people with other insecure attachment styles to react angrily to intrusions on their boundaries. But this is probably because they tend to emotionally switch off. However, this might undermine their efforts to set up rules with others. Also, if someone with avoidant attachment does decide to cross a partner's boundaries, they typically do so out of concern for their partner's well-being rather than to satisfy their own insecurities.
Four Key Steps to Handling Rules
People who have trouble establishing and maintaining rules in close relationships often struggle with issues like anxiety and depression, low self-esteem, feelings of helplessness, and feeling unappreciated and unsupported. So it's clear that a lack of boundaries can really affect people's mental health and well-being. Keeping this in mind, along with the research in this area, here are four important steps you can take toward building healthier rules and relationships:
#1. Get to Know Your Own Rules
Learning about your own physical and emotional rules can help you figure out what you need in your relationships. Have a good hard look at your past relationship patterns, including what worked and what didn't, to get a better idea of what could have made your relationships better.
#2. Understand Your Attachment Style
Knowing your attachment style can really help you figure out what kind of rules you need, as you can more easily determine which types of boundaries you're likely to require (for example, if you're anxiously attached, you'll need more closeness than someone with an avoidant attachment style). If you haven't yet, take the free quiz on our website to find out.
#3. Be Honest About Your Limits and Expectations
This step can be tough, especially with a loved one – someone you want to give so much of yourself to. However, honesty and open communication are crucial for setting rules and can make these rules much easier to enforce when needed.
#4. Remember You're Not Alone
Even though you might feel that your need for space or closeness is very different from your partner's, they might also have their own needs and not fully understand how to express them. Having open and non-judgmental communication can really help you work towards a healthier, more balanced relationship.
Wrapping up on this article, we've gone over the concept of rules, and how crossing them can be damaging, especially for people with insecure attachment styles. We've also shown that being aware of our own attachment style and that of our partners can be very helpful in understanding our needs for emotional and physical boundaries and our reactions when these boundaries are crossed. Knowledge is power, so with honesty, patience, and caring for yourself and your loved ones, you can set up healthy rules and more satisfying relationships.